Simply 2 Turn Customers Away

As one of the creators of America’s Most Popular Blog™*, there’s a lot of pressure to come up with fascinating entries. Luckily, inspiration is everywhere.

For example, yesterday on my way to the movies, I passed this sign. In case you can’t quite make out the terrible picture I took with my iPhone, it’s a sandwich board advertisement for an auto detailing service called … wait for it … “SIMPLY 2 IMPRESS.”

Now as a copywriter, I think it’s a smart move to address objections early on so you can put a positive spin on them. E.g. Why would a customer decide not to buy your product? Are your competitors cheaper? Okay, maybe we need to spend some time educating potential consumers about your real value — your products cost more because you use better materials and therefore, they last longer.

So, SIMPLY 2 IMPRESS, I do admire you for being upfront and honest with the consumer — something that is sorely lacking in corporate America. No one needs auto detailing or to have his car hand-washed. (That’s right, I just wrote “his.” Call me sexist, but before you do, I challenge you to think of one single woman you know who has willingly shelled out money to have her car detailed. Yeah, I can’t think of any either.)

But here’s how I imagine your sign working against you

Man and woman hold hands, heading happily to the movies. Man spots sign.

Man: Hey, maybe I should get my car detailed while we’re at the movies — it would look really great.

Woman: Why do you need your car to look so great? Who are you trying to impress?

Man: Wait, what?

Woman: It’s that new blonde temp in accounting isn’t it? Amber what’s-her-face. Answer me!

Man: You’re sounding a little crazy, honey.

Woman: Oh, and I’ll bet Amber never sounds crazy! I knew I should never have given you a second chance. You can just go to the movies alone!!!!!!!!

Woman walks off in a huff. Man runs after her promising that Amber means nothing to him and to prove it, he’ll never get his car auto-detailed as long as they both shall live.

Okay, maybe you won’t actually be the cause of a lovers’ quarrel, SIMPLY 2 IMPRESS, but these are hard economic times. Do you really want to remind cash-conscious consumers with your actual company name that your service is a frivolity? This might work at a private, luxury golf resort, but this is a public parking garage. Think about it.

And while you’re at it, also consider whether you really want to write “2” instead of “to.” (Hint: You don’t.)

* Lightning & The Lightning Bug is actually not “America’s Most Popular Blog.” Currently we are ranked 1,234,557 — right above “The Daily Kitten” and just below “Emma’s Justin Beiber blog.”**

** This is also not true. Both get way more traffic than we do. Especially The Daily Kitten. We aren’t surprised. Both are SUPER CUTE!!!!!!