It's Gandalf!

I like to listen to music while writing. The right music can spur creativity while also drowning out the annoying pitches of Greenpeace canvassers working the sidewalk below our window.

I’m not too particular about the music, as long as it doesn’t have vocals — that just makes me lose my train of thought. With that in mind, here are my top five genres, all accessible via the magic of Pandora.

NEW AGE

Advantages:

• Provides 65% of your daily recommended allowance of pan flute.
• Perfect for when writing about transcendental meditation, rainbows and/or morning dew accumulating on leaves.

Disadvantages:

• Being mocked by insensitive co-workers for listening to songs with titles like “A Seed Dreaming Inside” by Gandalf (who, incidentally, bills himself as a “painter of musical landscapes”).
• Ever-present danger of being subjected to John Tesh or Yanni.

CLASSICAL

Advantages:

• Research shows that listening to Mozart makes you more productive (maybe).
• Perfect for when writing about anything that requires intense concentration, like a disease or nanotechnology.

Disadvantages:

• The possibility of sparking ugly interoffice feuds over Bach vs. Beethoven.
• Occasional hyper-charged harpsichord sonata can be quite startling.

TRANCE

Advantages:

• Awesomely mysterious artist names like The Digital Blonde, Telepopmusik and Mexican Trance Mafia.
• Preponderance of monks chanting, which you generally don’t hear enough of these days.

Disadvantages:

• Tinny laptop speakers can’t do justice to such earthshaking bass lines.
• Irresistible temptation to turn off lights, bust out glow sticks and start dancing.

JAZZ ESSENTIALS

Advantages:

• Coltrane and his “sheets of sound”: perfect inspiration when brainstorming product names or writing catalog copy.
• Can pretend to be Dave Brubeck or Brad Mehldau when typing at the keyboard.

Disadvantage:

• Beware of free jazz freakouts, which make it impossible to concentrate.

AMBIENT

Advantages:

• Offers the aural equivalent of a gentle neck massage.
• Perfect for when writing about rain forests, space travel and/or aromatherapy.

Disadvantages:

• The very real danger of being lulled to sleep.
• The very real danger of then being suddenly awoken by the sound of squawking seagulls.

What kind of music do you listen to while writing? Let us know.

You know how Dan and Anna are always going on and on about writing copy that’s conversational and doesn’t sound like it was written by a robot (or someone really boring)?

I saw this ad in a magazine and loved it so much that I sent a pic to Anna. (Dan doesn’t share our enthusiasm for shoes, sadly.) Anna emailed back, “I wish I’d written that,” and this blog post was born.

So, what’s so great about this ad? Well, pretty much everything:

1. It’s visually memorable.
   I spotted the ad in Better Homes and Gardens, which has page after page of pretty things to catch your eye, but this image really jumped out. You have to be a truly visual thinker to see the common silhouette in a stiletto and the space shuttle.
2. The copy is smart, funny and effective.
   Henkel could have used all kinds of distracting, scientific words to describe their product (they do work with rocket scientists, after all). This, however, is much more compelling. The voice is casual and direct, and the message is not only funny but relevant.
3. The copy and the image work together.
   Sometimes clients come to us with designs already queued up. They’re often lovely, but it’s harder to make copy work when you have to tack it on after the fact. Here, the copy and the image go hand-in-hand.

So kudos to whoever wrote this ad and to Henkel for hiring him or her. (I visited your website, though, Henkel. It could use a little Hired Pens polish. We’d love to help you out.)

What about you? Have you come across any recent ads that you thought really worked?

It’s a fact of life for copywriters: Many clients talk big, but few back it up.

What do I mean? When we kick off a project, clients often say they’re ready to do something different. They want copy that’s fun, bold, non-corporate. Copy that will make them stand out from the competition.

Then I start presenting them with copy that meets those goals. And nine times out of 10, the client wimps out. They start stripping out the humor or softening the language or adding in traditional corporate speak. Before you know it, you’re left with copy that’s mind-numbingly conventional.

Anna and I are used to this scenario. Sometimes, we’re able to convince clients to be more adventurous. Other times, we have to shift to “the client is always right” mode and grit our teeth while a little piece of us dies inside. (Okay, I’m being overly dramatic. But copywriters do have a reputation for being divas, after all.)

Recently, though, I had the pleasure of working with a client that really was ready for something different.

Buildium makes software that helps property managers, landlords and condo associations manage their properties more efficiently. We first met last fall to discuss writing copy for their soon-to-be-redesigned website.

One of their big goals was to explain more clearly what their software is all about. But they also wanted copy that would sound human, be friendly and even have a little humor.

Of course, I was a little suspicious at first. But as time went on, I could tell they actually meant it. One time, marketing manager Geoff even prodded me to make the copy “more zany.” I don’t expect to get that request from another client anytime soon.

The new Buildium site went live this month, and it looks great (kudos to the folks at Schwadesign!). Thanks to Geoff and the rest of the Buildium team for having the confidence and smarts to let loose with the copy.

At The Hired Pens, a good chunk of our work comes from design, interactive and advertising agencies. They call on us when their internal team can’t handle a project due to scope or subject. Or they don’t actually have copywriters on staff, so we serve as their go-to copywriting agency.

We’re happy to oblige. And since we now have an employee, I have more time to find agencies and companies that should be working with us, but aren’t (yet).

This means I spend a lot of time on their sites trying to get a sense of what they do and whether we’d be a good fit. I pay particular attention to the “Meet Our Team” type pages. When companies get it right, they showcase their employee’s personalities and talents in an original, engaging way. I like them before I even meet them. And when companies get it wrong … Oh, boy.

You sound like a jerk if you …

1) Name-drop your Ivy League education in the very first sentence. Yes, I do think you’re smart: A big, stupid, smarty-pants jerk I wouldn’t want to work with because you’d probably correct me in an annoying way about ending a sentence with a preposition even though I was doing it on purpose.

2) Overuse the word “passion” — unless your company is Harlequin Romance, in which case at least try to find a synonym. (Credit: Dave Pye)

3) Run a creative agency that is within walking distance of FIVE amazing independent coffee shops and you list “STARBUCKS” as your favorite coffee shop. Okay, maybe this doesn’t make me think you’re a jerk so much as not very creative.

4) Use the phrase “serial entrepreneur.” This is code for “unemployed for a long time.” (Credit: Brian Curry Hartmann)

5) Use a ton of multisyllabic words. Making others feel stupid is not a smart move. (Credit: Rich Nadworny)

6) You use the term “visionary thinker,” “industry pioneer” or “change agent,” to describe yourself or anyone else on your team. On the off chance it’s true … oh, come on, it’s never really true. (Credit: Melanie DeCarolis)

7) You use “leverage” as a verb, “our DNA” figuratively. (Credit: Helen Fairman)

I’m sure there are others, so please comment with your own ideas! And in the meantime, here are a few companies that really get it right: King Fish Media, Corey McPherson Nash and The Hired Pens. Oh, that kind of makes us sound like a jerk to call out ourselves, doesn’t it?

If you care at all about the NFL Draft, then you know Mel Kiper, Jr.

If you don’t care at all about the NFL Draft, here’s all you have to know about Mel Kiper, Jr.:

1) He’s probably the world’s most famous expert on the NFL Draft.

2) He’s almost equally well-known for his freakish, plastered-on hair helmet.

3) He’s never publicly demonstrated any knowledge of purchasing gifts for the lady in your life.

And yet, here’s his mug on the home page of ESPN.com, urging you to shop at Pandora for the perfect present for Mother’s Day.

If you can resist the urge to stare endlessly at his hair helmet, you might take a look at his “top picks for Mother’s Day.” But then you might find yourself wondering, “Wait, what does Mel Kiper, Jr., know about jewelry?” And that can’t be good for Pandora.

On the other hand, if the Mel Kiper, Jr., seal of approval inspires you to head to Pandora for that special bracelet or necklace, then maybe I’ve underestimated him and his power of persuasion. In which case, shame on me.

What are you planning to do Wednesday night? That’s right, nothing. Until now.

On behalf of our friends at Metropolis Creative, we invite you to attend the fourth annual Boston Extreme Website Makeover. This cool event takes place from 6-9 p.m. on Wednesday at The Charlesmark Lounge (655 Boylston St., Boston). Admission is free.

What’s the Makeover all about? Metropolis has been busy soliciting organizations that could benefit from an overhaul of their website. A panel of judges will select the winner, which will be revealed Wednesday night. Then, Metropolis will get to work redesigning the home page and social media presence (including Twitter, Facebook and YouTube). The Hired Pens will take care of the copy.

We’re serving as a promotional sponsor for the Makeover for the second year in a row. Last year’s event was a blast, so we hope you’ll join us this time around. It’s a great opportunity to network, have a little fun and even learn something about Web design.

Anna's four-month-old at Cradles to Crayons

Last year, The Hired Pens became the pro-bono copywriting agency for Cradles to Crayons. This means we help them write all sort of things, from fundraising letters to fun copy for their 2012 calendar.

It also means I have been much more attuned to offers I get from other nonprofits. Who moves me and makes me consider giving my time or money? Who annoys me and gets tossed (or deleted) without a second thought? What are they doing right or wrong?

One organization that’s getting it particularly right is Heifer International. A nonprofit whose goal is to help end world hunger and poverty through self-reliance and sustainability, their cheery red catalog probably shows up in your mailbox each holiday season.

Here’s what Heifer International is doing right …

1.) They aren’t afraid to have a little fun.

The cover of their catalog declares “The Most Important Gift Catalog in the World” above a picture of a dopey looking sheep. I had no idea who Heifer International was when I got this catalog, but it made me smile. And I was intrigued and amused enough to have a closer look.

Most nonprofits draw donors in by making them feel really sad — and guilty for not doing something to make the world a little less sad. I’m not saying this isn’t effective. It’s extremely effective. (That’s right, SmileTrain, with your cadre of adorable third-world, cleft-palated children, you get me every time.)

So it’s refreshing when a nonprofit with an equally heartbreaking cause — and it doesn’t get more heartbreaking than starving children — can move people to give by making them happy instead.

2.) They know how to tell a good story.

Upon opening the Heifer catalog, I got more than unique gift ideas. I got an interesting education about this unique form of philanthropy. Told through the lens of specific individuals who have benefited from the organization, stories were compelling, personal and accomplished Heifer’s goal: making me want to help. The authentic, candid photography and moving quotes added depth.

3.) They offer real value … and have a real sense of timing.

Giving feels good. In fact, I just read a study (that I’m too lazy to look up and link to here) that says giving feels even better than receiving. Sure, I might not have written the line, “If you are looking for a present that will leave your friends, family or coworkers squealing with delight this holiday season, look no further than a gift of a pig and training in its care from Heifer International.” But I’m going to let that slide.

While I may not love the play on words, the idea is spot on: For people looking for unique gift ideas that actually mean something, it doesn’t get much more interesting than this.

Nicely done, Heifer. I hope this blog gets you some orders.

At the tender age of ten, I published a pair of linked poems in the esteemed literary journal, The Buffalo News. Ready? Sure? Okay, here you go.

In the City at Night

In the city at night

The lights shine bright

Stray cats meow

And dogs say “Bow wow”

In the city at night.

Clearly, I was a child prodigy.

Fast-forward to 2012. While Anna and Dan have spent a decade stomping out soulless corporate speak, I’ve spent thirty years trying to amend for subjecting countless innocent readers to those poems (which subsequently appeared on my fourth-grade bulletin board and on the refrigerators of dozens of aunts, uncles and grandparents in my large Irish Catholic family). I won’t print the second poem here — it’s just too painful — but I will tell you that it was called, “My Dog and Me.”

I’ve written for the Hired Pens since summer ’08 and worked on some terrific projects, but I knew I’d found a real home when I read this post from Anna tearing into a nine-year-old girl for her shamefully inadequate “Missing Cat” poster.

My new role as a permanent Pen offers me the chance to make a real difference in the world — to make up for the mistakes of my past. So you, there, laboring over that earnest blog entry or the note to the cute boy in Math class: Please, just stop. I can help you. Give me a call.

*I dedicate this blog entry to the students in Mrs. Wheeler’s fourth grade class of 1982, my six siblings and my twenty-five cousins, especially Patrick, on whose refrigerator my early works hung longest.

Anna’s home with her newborn, so our friend Laura Hales of The Isis Group hooked us up with this post. While Laura typically works with scientists, these suggestions are relevant for us non-scientific types too. Thanks, Laura!

There are several examples of words that are misused, resulting in one of the top sources of confusion for scientists when writing a manuscript or grant. And many times, the scientist doesn’t even know that he or she is confused!

Here are some of the most common misunderstandings I have observed when editing manuscripts and grants, and tricks that scientists can use to easily sort it out.

“i.e.” and “e.g.”

This is a tricky word choice that can definitely be confusing. The grammar guides will tell you that:

• “i.e.” is an abbreviation of the Latin id est, which means “that is” [example: the bacteria were grown under aerobic conditions (i.e. in shaker flasks)].
• “e.g.” is an abbreviation for the Latin exempli gratia, which means “for example” [example: the patients enrolled in the clinical study had a normal diet (e.g. protein, grains, and vegetables)].

My trick: If you just want to paraphrase or provide clarification, use “i.e.” If you want to give some examples, use “e.g.” (or just say “for example”).

“affect” or “effect”

If you have trouble with this one, you’re not alone. The word “affect” means “to influence” (e.g. the treatment affected the ability of the mice to function normally), and the word “effect” means “a result” (e.g. the effect of lowering the glucose levels was substantial in the second study).

My trick: Most of the time, “affect” is a verb and “effect” is a noun. Replace “influence” and “result” with “affect” or “effect” and see which conveys the real meaning of the sentence.

“which” or “that”

I have to give full credit here to Dr. Dick Gumport from my graduate school days at the University of Illinois for teaching me my first grammar lesson out of, well, grammar school. The grammar guides will tell you that:

• “which” is for nonrestrictive clauses — simply providing more information (e.g. the conclusion, which contradicts previous data, assumes that the mice were fed a high-fat diet).
• “that” is for restrictive clauses — using descriptive terms that are necessary to the meaning of the sentence (e.g. the virus that expressed geneA was defective for replication in E. coli).

My trick: Say the sentence out loud using both “which” and “that.” If both sound good, use “that.”

There are a multitude of tricky word choices out there. Make sure you always get it right!

About 10 years ago, I taught a business writing course at a local university. One of my goals was to get students to write conversationally, as opposed to writing like a corporate hack.

At The Hired Pens, we’ve long preached the virtues of writing conversationally — that is, writing like you speak. Among other things, that means avoiding words like “synergize,” “revolutionary” or “productize.” After all, how often do you actually use words like that when talking with someone?

To illustrate my point, I directed students to the Web Economy Bullshit Generator. It’s a simple page that features three columns of BS words (verbs, adjectives, nouns) and a button that invites you to make BS phrases of your own. A gem of an idea.

Fast-forward to February 2012. Within several days, I started two new projects with technology firms. Each gave me a simple directive: Make our website copy more human.

These clients don’t want me to use words that might end up in the BS Generator. They don’t want the copy to be overly stiff and formal. They don’t want me to construct sentences that contain four or five ideas and drag on for 50-60 words.

Yes, they want copy that is human. Which is refreshing for a copywriter like me. And maybe even a good sign for where the world of technology marketing is headed.