I’m on to you, Lorillard, Inc., manufacturers of noted cigarette brands Newport, Kent, True and Old Gold. And now the truth will come out.
Yes, I’ll admit that as a 12-year-old, I snuck into the woods in back of my house to sneak a Newport with my friend Neil. But that was nearly 30 years ago. The statute of limitations has long since expired, and I can no longer be jailed, fined or grounded by my parents. So don’t even try to hold that over my head.
Here’s my shocking revelation: I know the woman and man pictured in a recent ad placed in People magazine don’t actually play in a band!
How have I, a lowly copywriter, managed to uncover this potentially devastating secret? As it turns out, I happen to play guitar. Not very well, but I play it nonetheless. Calling on my years of experience, I present the following evidence:
- The woman is holding her guitar upside down (the low E string is on the bottom). No one plays the guitar that way, with the notable exception of Jimi Hendrix. And he’s dead! She, however, is not. (Guitar superstar Gerry Giaimo notes: “Hendrix played lefty, but not upside down. His righty guitars were strung for lefties. But she is playing without a strap, which is bogus.”)
- Because she’s holding her guitar upside down, I’m willing to bet she’s not playing an actual chord with her right hand. That’s probably why some alert photo editor chose to cut off the photo like that.
- Guitarists never jump up in the air like that guy unless they’re windmilling, Pete Townsend style. By the looks of this clown, Townsend would eat him for dinner and floss afterwards using the hair from his dreadlocks.
- I mean, c’mon; do they really look like they’re in a band?
Sorry I had to let the cat out of the bag, Lorillard, Inc. But sometimes (unless I’m being bribed generously) I just have to stay true to my conscience.
Now as for you manufacturing products responsible for the deaths of millions of people each year …