Your Son Will Succeed (Because Failure is for the Middle Class)

Ah, subtext. Here’s what this ad is saying to me:

Dear Mr. Whitney/Forsberg/Astor,

We understand that your son, Sterling/Landon/Pierce, has been a great disappointment to you, and somewhat less of a disappointment to your wife. But as we both know, she coddles him too much.

Your desire that Sterling/Landon/Pierce take an interest in what you know is best for him is perfectly natural and healthy. In fact, it is your right — nay, your duty — as his father to shape him into the kind of man Whitney/Forsberg/Astor men have been for generations.

One must not waste these precious, application-padding years on pursuits that do not lead directly down the Ivy path. While it certainly might be normal for more “common” boys to devote themselves, mind, body and spirit, to the Xbox 360, it is not befitting for the pedigreed child of your loins. I can assure you, Mr. Whitney/Forsberg/Astor, “Assassins Creed: Brotherhood” is not the kind of brotherhood we foster here at the Academy.

For generations, the rote and rigor of a St. Thomas More School education has shaped weak-willed, weak-limbed sons of privilege into the kind of men their fathers do not regularly wish to disown. Your son will succeed here, as generations of private-jet owning men have before him.

We look forward to meeting your son and breaking his spirit. I think we can all agree this is what is best for him.


Chumly von Pendigrass

Shaper of Young Men

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