Dear Rosemary,

Or should I call you Mrs. Rogers? After all, we’ve never met.

Regardless, I was saddened to hear you are dying of cancer. If that is, in fact, the case. You actually wrote that you were dying for cancer, but I can’t believe that is true. A woman of your “statute” with so much to live for?! Instead, I will assume that was a typo and in your weakened state you did not have time to reread … or spell check … your email. But never mind. Clearly, we have more important matters to discuss!

I am thrilled, and a bit surprised, that you have chosen me, out of all the possible worthy people and causes, to bequeath your entire estate of “Two million four hundred thousand US Dollars” upon your “dealth.”  With much gratitude, I accept!

You mentioned my humanitarian work as being the deciding factor. Well, Mrs. Rogers — Rosemary — it feels good to finally be recognized for all my work. It was very generous of me to give my friend Alexis $50 for Walk for Hunger last fall. I never actually wrote the check, but these are mere details! What matters is my heart was in the right place, and you saw that!

I am also truly moved to finally have someone – anyone – who understands my point of view regarding the “incident” with the Junior Writers’ program. It certainly wasn’t my fault what happened, and I absolutely should have been asked back. After all, if you are going to write short stories to deal with your tween-age emotions, you damn well better have a firm grasp of story structure or you are just wasting my time. You are truly a kindred spirit, Rosemary.

I will contact BARRISTER MORRIS VAN COOPER (Barr. Morris Van Cooper) through his personal email immediately and include my social security number and most bank account statement.

God bless you, too.


From Anna Goldsmith.

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