A Royal Money Maker: Five Ideas for Royal Wedding Product Placement

Did you know that one in three people tuned in to watch the Royal Wedding this morning? No, that’s not one in three Brits and Anglophiles. It’s one in three people in the ENTIRE WORLD.

I watched it with my one-and-a-half-year-old son. Well, I watched it and he rode his fire engine around the living room and periodically looked up to point at the horses and make clopping noises.

I know this was a moving event, but here’s what else it was: a missed opportunity. Yes, that’s right. I’m talking about product placement. Didn’t the Bank of England just warn that Britain could plunge back into recession this year? Let’s face it: England needs money. Fortunately, I have a few suggestions.

Here’s how they could reach a wide range of audiences:

1. Teens: Diet Red Bull. Who eats a substantial breakfast on her wedding day? Certainly not a whisper-weight princess-to-be in a form-fitting gown. But waving to minions takes energy! Just imagine Kate gracefully sipping from a can of Diet Red Bull while traveling along the Mall by limousine.

2. Moms: Resolve Stain Stick. What does Kate trust? In addition to the undying fidelity of her beloved prince, she trusts Resolve Stain Stick to help prevent tough stains (like from Diet Red Bull) from setting in. Perfect for traveling! We could just see it peeping out from her bejeweled handbag, then maybe she could give the ladies in the crowd a knowing wink.

3. Disillusioned elders: Panicyl. Boy, can weddings be stressful. Especially when your grandson is marrying a commoner! Luckily, Panicyl can help the Queen get through this day calmly and confidently without any long-term health risks or dependency issues to worry about. Perhaps she can pop a few along with the Commonwealth-centric canapés she’ll eat at her lunchtime reception at Buckingham Palace.

4. Men (2-for-1 placement): Royal Wedding Commemorative Pillbox & Viagra. As the pressure to produce an heir mounts, William may need a little help. And where else would he keep this “help” than in a gold and silver pillbox of his own face and wedding date? We could see him pull it from the breast pocket of his Royal Navy Uniform near the end of the evening reception.

5. Newlyweds: Amazon. With rumors swirling of Camilla pulling rank and Charles grumbling about having to fork out millions for his son’s wedding, it’s not going to be smooth sailing for Waity Katie. The solution? During a quiet moment, Kate might enjoy reading “Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage” on her Kindle.

I hope you’re listening, Harry and Chelsy. Don’t you miss out on this revenue-generating opportunity for your country.