–Hey Dan, have you watched any of that Social Media summit thing we signed up for?

–I watched part of one, then I had to go to a meeting. You?

–No, but I’m going to today.

–Yeah, me too.

Yeah, right.

We’ve been saying this for three weeks. Which is when we registered for the 2010 Social Media Success Summit. A series of online lecture-style sessions, this event covers everything from creating buzz with online contests to successfully using Facebook for more than seeing cute pictures of your friends’ babies.

Why did we sign up? We want to be able to help our clients use social media successfully. You know, beyond delicately suggesting their dirt-dumb intern not be the one to write the company Tweets just because he knows how to set up a Twitter account.

So to get ourselves to actually watch these, we decided to present our findings from each session in an easily digestible blog series entitled, “Five Things I Learned.”

Since I’ve recently been feeling guilty about never checking my LinkedIn account, I decided to first check out “Getting the Most Out of LinkedIn: The Business Social Network,” by Lewis Howes.

Here are five things I learned about creating an effective LinkedIn profile and a few other cool things. (Sorry, Howes played to the beginner-to-intermediate crowd — no advanced tips here. Maybe at another session.)

First off, in case you are a real beginner, LinkedIn is an online networking site geared toward a business crowd. It also happens to be the world’s largest audience of affluent professionals with 65 million users with another joining every second.” As Howe reminds us, this means there is a huge, untapped market of potential clients and employers. He’s right. So here’s what you do:

Lesson One: Don’t just complete your profile, optimize it.

And you thought optimizing was just for websites. Nope. First, figure out what your keyword (or words) is — something that easily identifies who you are. No, not like “warm-hearted” and “playful.” This is a business site, people. I mean “cosmetic dentist” or “copywriter.” Use that word or its variations (I used copywriter and copywriting services) in five key places on your profile:

1. Professional headline
2. Current job
3. Past job(s)
4. Summary
5. Specialties

This dramatically increases the chance you’ll be one of the first cosmetic dentists, copywriters (or whatever) when someone needing these service does a LinkedIn search.

Lesson Two: Make the most of your profile headline.

Don’t get lazy here and just use a single word or phrase, like “accountant” or “job-seeking accountant.” This should be a shortened version of your profile — a one-sentence action-oriented summary of your professional identity. It’s the first and often the only thing that someone will read before deciding if you’re worth their time.

Lesson Three: Include just enough personality.

People like working with people they like. And as we all know, the business world can be cold and impersonal. The easiest place to add in a little business-appropriate personality is in “Specialties.” So after boasting about your impressive Flash animation skills, why not boast about your exceptional quiche-making skills? More often than not, it will serve as an entry point into what is really a conversation between strangers — kinda like a cocktail party icebreaker.

Lesson Four: Join some groups.

Click on groups at the top menu bar and do a search for groups related to your profession, alma mater, geography and interests. For example, I joined a few Boston business groups, Colby College groups and copywriting groups. But also think about who hires you and join those groups, too. For example, I joined a few design groups since many of my clients are designers. Try to post in group discussions to get your name out there. And many groups allow you to send email to the whole group. Just don’t abuse this privilege.

Lesson Five: Don’t ask for recommendations. Give them instead.

Not only do you build goodwill by writing a recommendation un-asked, it’s the most effective way to get one in return. And a bunch of great recommendations — well, they’re a great thing to have.

Bonus tip: If you have a work-related blog, link it to your LinkedIn profile. Any time there’s a new post, it will appear on your profile automatically.

Conclusion: LinkedIn may be the ugly stepsister to sexy Facebook, but she’s worth a second look (if only for her money).

This is the final installment of our customer service series from guest-blogger and King Fish Media’s Director of Marketing and Research, Gordon Plutsky.

In Part 1, I took a look at some bad customer experiences. Here are some companies that understand how they can fulfill their brand promise through customer service.

Every week I drive through two towns and past 10 supermarkets to get to Whole Foods. Not only is the food better and healthier, but the service is impeccable. From the guys behind the meat counter to the friendly cashiers, customers are always treated with respect and professionalism. I look forward to my trips there for what could be a chore.

It really hit me when I stopped into a major supermarket chain to pick up a few items. To get my deli order, I had to bust up a complaint session among the workers about the break schedule. At the checkout, I was treated to a conversation between the cashier (Brittney) and the bagger (Courtney). Brit and Court completely ignored me while yapping back and forth about a classmate who had the temerity to brag about owning an $80 shirt. In all the commotion, several of my groceries were smashed as they were thrown into flimsy plastic bags.

Comcast is another company that understands customer service. They understand they are a big, ugly utility that overcharges for their service — a service that doesn’t always work as advertised. To compensate, their phone customer reps and field service employees go out of their way to be courteous, knowledgeable and helpful.

I made the cardinal mistake of getting the first rev of their TIVO box and the software was buggy. Every time I called ready to cancel, I was sweet-talked into staying. They acknowledged the service needed work and offered me discounts to stick with them. How could I say no? Whenever something didn’t work, it was replaced at no cost, no questions asked and with a smile. That kind of service buys patience as they work out some bugs.

I have also encountered great service at Mercedes-Benz, Best Buy, Amazon.com and dozens of small local companies/stores. In almost all cases, it’s worth a premium. I wonder how many grand marketing plans are undone by bad customer service, an impersonal phone system or a balky website. How many CMOs have customer service reporting directly to them? If they don’t, they should — it’s just as important as any other aspect of their marketing plan.

When he’s not quoting Don Draper, CrossFit training or watching the NY Jets, Gordon Plutsky is King Fish Media’s Director of Marketing and Research. And today he is our guest blogger. (He also writes a great blog for King Fish.) Gordon, we salute your takedown of bad customer service. This is part one of a two part series.

Customer service is one of the most important elements of your brand promise. It is where you and the customer come face to face. All your slick websites, social media programs and ad schedules can be undone by bad customer service.

Companies such as Zappos (a King Fish client) have made great service their differentiator and even built an ad campaign around it. I’ve had some recent experiences that illustrate how front line customer service can have a bottom line effect.

No industry does more to turn off their customers than America’s airlines. They talk the talk, but rarely walk the walk. My wife and I went to Florida on vacation via Jet Blue — we could have checked two bags of 50 pounds each; but we had one bag of 54 pounds. We were given the option of holding up a huge line and pulling out four pounds of stuff or paying $50 extra.

Given the hassle we already went through with airport parking and the charming TSA agents (it appears their sole purpose is to monitor the toiletries of law-abiding citizens), I paid the $50 and just went on my way. I tried to explain that we were 46 pounds under as a family, but no dice. Rules are rules, pay up.

Last week I was with a colleague in Washington, DC, at the US Air Shuttle. We had tickets for the 2:30 shuttle but were at the gate in time for the 1:30 flight, and they had seats available that were going to be empty when the plane took off.

We asked if we could switch to the earlier flight; the gate agent/prison guard snapped “$50 change fee per ticket.” Keep in mind there is absolutely no hard cost to letting us sit in these empty seats, but rules are rules, pay up. We declined and my colleague wrote a strongly worded email to the CEO of US Air. A few days later a reply came back that apologized for our dissatisfaction, but no explanation of why a $50 charge to get on a flight an hour earlier that had empty seats.

Recently I called United Mileage Plus to ask if there was any way I could get my “lifetime mileage” reinstated that expired last year. It took 10 minutes of pushing different combinations of phone buttons to even get a human. Their automated call system had no choice for speaking to a customer service rep.

I finally got a guy with a shaky command of English. I told him how I had earned the miles over 15 years, but haven’t been traveling on United lately and would love to reengage as a customer. Sorry, nothing he can do. In the interest of marketing science, I came right out and said, “You won’t even consider it if it means that I nor my company will ever fly United again and I will tell everyone I know not to fly United?” His response: If I take their Visa card, I can get 50,000 miles. My response is unprintable in a family blog.

Three companies in a struggling industry had a chance to make a friend and possible loyal customer. Imagine if any of those situations went in another direction, how happy I would have been and how my perception of that airline would have changed. Instead I am writing this post and will push it out to the many people I am connected to via social media.

In Part 2: companies that truly understand the value of customer service.

What’s wrong with this picture? No, I don’t mean that I have a newspaper bag taped to my office wall. (Yeah, we at The Hired Pens still read the newspaper.) Don’t see it? Okay, here’s a hint: This landed on my stoop three days ago. May 2010. Now do you see?

This bag asks me to bring it to the Verizon Kiosk at my local Mall* starting

11/26/09 thru** 1/4/10 for a chance to WIN A FREE*** 55″ HD TV!

My first reaction when I saw this bag was, “Are you kidding me? I have to save this stupid bag until November!?” Then I saw the date. Oh, it’s a mistake.

But, whose mistake is it? There are three potential culprits:

Culprit #1: Verizon

If you’ve ever been to a murder mystery party hosted by my friend Andy, you’ll know the most obvious culprit is never the guilty party. I think Verizon is the victim. But they are guilty of other writing crimes for which we feel obligated to take them to task.

Dear Verizon,

You have a lot of money. Hire a proofreader who knows that MALL should be lowercased. That it’s redundant to use WIN and FREE in the same breath. And that only fast food joints and teenage girls writing notes in class are allowed to use THRU.

Sincerely,

The Hired Pens

Culprit #2: The Globe

Trying to save money wherever money can be saved, they reuse plastic bags from expired advertising campaigns.

Dear The Boston Globe,

Making your advertisers look stupid is not a step in the right direction to save your flailing newspaper. Instead, try not pissing off your subscribers by jacking up the rates while your paper gets slimmer.

Sincerely,

The Hired Pens

Culprit #3: The Paper Boy

The Globe leaves it to our hapless paper delivery boy to find his own plastic bags. As his own cost-saving solution, late one night he breaks into the Verizon storage facility on Route 128 and steals leftover plastic bags.

Dear Paper Boy,

I sincerely doubt this is what happened, but if it is, I admire your inventiveness. But you should quit. No one should make you risk a criminal record for minimum wage and such early hours.

Sincerely,

The Hired Pens

I love The Globe, but I think it’s their fault. And this is big. This is a big mistake. At least for those of us still reading the paper and considering a flat-screen TV.

In the spirit of “Things That Make You Go Hmmm …,” I would like to present this billboard for a Citgo gas card. The headline reads, “Nobody will say, ‘You shouldn’t have.’” above a picture of a box with the Citgo gift card inside.

Really, Citgo? No one will say, “You shouldn’t have”? Okay, I’m game. Let’s just play out a few scenarios to test your theory.

FRIEND’S BIRTHDAY

You

Hey Friend! Turning 40′s a drag, huh? Your hair’s starting to fall out, and your kids are driving you crazy. Hey, speaking of driving, I got you this Citgo gift card — happy birthday, pal!

Friend

You shouldn’t have. And by the way, I like my family, you asshole.

ANNIVERSARY

You

Darling, even though we’ve been together for 50 years, you still know how to fire my engines. Speaking of engines, happy golden anniversary — here’s a Citgo gift card!

Spouse

You shouldn’t have. I want a divorce.

GIFT-GIVING RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY OF CHOICE

You

Tommy, I want you to remember that God’s love is always burning bright. Just like gasoline burns to keep our car running. Here is a Citgo gift card — Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza!

Tommy

I’m six.

Tommy’s mother

You shouldn’t have. Get out of our house.

Okay, so maybe the problem is there needs to be a clarifying subhead. “Nobody will say, ‘You shouldn’t have’ without writing you off as a crappy gift giver.” There, now that makes sense!

How are buccaneers and sloganeers related? Well, buccaneers were pirates who attacked Spanish and French ships in the Caribbean Sea during the late 17th century. Sloganeers are wordsmiths who write corporate taglines, city mottos and campaign slogans. So the answer is, they’re not related at all. Which is fine by us, since we don’t like being attacked during blog interviews.

Here, Eric Swartz, sloganeer and star of our previous post, “Taglines: the Good, the Bad and the Totally Offensive,” gives his insight into writing great taglines, discusses how to avoid unintentional plagiarism and even shares some tips on improving your Scrabble game.

What do you think is the best corporate tagline ever written? What makes it so successful?

A great tagline is simple, succinct, clever, positive, believable, compelling and memorable. It tells a story. I think of it as a symbolic GPS device that connects with your core values and emotional experiences.

So what’s the best corporate tagline ever written? DeBeers’ A diamond is forever is one of the best ever (since 1948). It’s a metaphor for love, an unbroken and lasting bond of trust and mutual affection. It doesn’t get any better than that.

How about a city tagline?

I get a kick out of the tagline for Eagle Pass, Texas: Where yee-ha meets olé. It may not be the best ever, but it’s my favorite. It illustrates the culture of the town by painting a picture and evoking regional dialects … using language to make it come alive. Of course, Las Vegas’ What happens here, stays here is the gold standard.

You describe a city’s tagline development as “urban renewal without having to pass a bond measure.” Can you talk a bit more about what you mean by this?

Well, that’s a humorous but pointed way of saying to city Chambers of Commerce, Economic Development commissions, etc., that you can quickly and easily give your city a facelift via branding … which is a lot less expensive than raising money to rebuild your downtown shopping district.

I’m not implying that a tagline can remove blight or improve the skyline, but, to a certain extent, it can change perception, direct focus and give people a rallying cry they can believe in.

Without giving away all your trade secrets — though you can if you want — what’s your process for writing corporate taglines?

I’m part wordsmith, rhetoritician and gunslinger. To start, I ask a lot of questions, talk to several people. I look for trigger words and concepts that jump out at me, and I start articulating ideas that leverage these big concepts. Ideas become messages, and messages become expressions. And they all relate back to the brand and to my client’s position, promise and objective.

I invert words, use vernacular, look for synonyms and antonyms, put a potential tagline in the form of a question, see how it sounds out loud. I tweak and I polish. It’s a process … and sometimes serendipity gives my work the extra oomph it needs.

Have you ever had a situation of unintentional plagiarism?

Thankfully, no. I take great pains to check for trademark, domain and commercial conflicts online. If there are red flags, I advise my client to back off, or I find a way to tweak the expression and make it more original and unique.

When first conceiving taglines, it’s not uncommon to be saddled by clichés and group think. The whole purpose is to take a common concept and find other ways of expressing it so it’s really specific and wholly different from anything else you’ve seen or heard before. Maybe that’s what the art of sloganeering is all about — to use language as originally as possible and be a clever enough wordsmith to find a simple and elegant solution that rolls off the tongue.

What words do you wish could be eviscerated from the English language? Or at least the corporate lexicon? For me, it’s “innovation” and all its many forms. For my business partner, it’s “mindshare” and “paradigm.”

Yes, “innovation” is one that’s overused and quite meaningless unless illustrated in some unusual or organic way. “Solution” is my pet peeve. And “unique” is just as empty. You’ll end up being unique … just like everyone else. It’s always advisable to stay away from trendy business jargon or fad language (“Wassup?”).

You make a living being a man of few words. How does this spill over into your personal interactions? For example, do you find yourself mentally editing long-winded people?

Wouldn’t it be great if one could go through life being clever and pithy, quoting brilliant aphorisms and proverbs, and uttering memorable taglines at the drop of a hat? I usually think of the right words to say after I leave the room. In my free time, I do think up slogans for famous people … usually politicians … or for movies.

What personality traits do you think great tagline writers share?

They’re generally clever, funny, witty, insightful, disciplined, inventive, persistent, culturally knowledgeable and agile. They enjoy word puzzles and games that involve mental acuity. They’re also verbally gifted and have excellent right brain-left brain communication. They’ve also developed the habit of reading and writing every day. I’ve been writing ad copy for 35 years, so it’s in my DNA.

My business partner wants you to give us an honest assessment of our tagline, “We choose your words carefully.” I’m a little nervous about asking, but I do kind of want to know. Just maybe choose your words carefully so we don’t feel awful if you hate it.

Actually, I like it. “Your” is the operative word, and that’s why it’s meaningful and clever. It illustrates that you’re providing a service that involves intelligence, care and deliberation. It also shows respect for the word and for the client. It has a nice feel.

On your site, you say you’re the master of the three-word novel. Three words. Go!

Back in 1997, I developed a tagline for FedEx’s new Saturday and Next-Day Delivery Service. We were going up against the U.S. Post Office, which didn’t have a money-back guarantee and promised delivery in two, maybe three, days. They waffled on the delivery day and that was our entrée. So Never on Someday was born! It’s one of my favorite creations. And it tells a story that Flaubert, Hawthorne and Poe would be proud of.

I know you’re an avid Scrabble player. Any advice?

Pick up one of those Scrabble dictionaries and memorize all the cool and weird two letter words. Other than that, being a perceptive reader of your opponent’s thoughts will help. The better you know your opponent, the better you’ll be able to judge how good their letters are — and how they feel about it. Sometimes you have to take a calculated risk and make a daring move!

Visit Eric’s insightful, entertaining company Web site, Tagline Guru, here.