Yesterday I had a last-minute tagline project for Microsoft.

They needed a tagline that convinced graduates from elite colleges to come work for them instead of, well, who do you think? Google or Apple. Tough competition. And as just about everyone knows, Microsoft has a bit of an image problem. People see them as stuffed shirts — especially the college kids they’re targeting.

It was a tight turnaround. Like five-hours tight. So I didn’t have time to wait for inspiration to strike.

When I hung up with the project manager, I did a search for “How to write great taglines.” Now, I’ve written plenty of taglines for our clients, but I often start projects this way: Find the top hit and see what someone else knows that I don’t. Then I copy their ideas word for word, add my name to the top, and bam. I’m done. Kidding!

So who was the top hit? A company called Tagline Guru run by veteran tagline writer Eric Swartz. (Quick aside: Eric, if you’re reading this, want to do an interview for our blog? We think you’re awesome.)

Now, I won’t get into it here, but I really admire people who dare to specialize. You can’t be all things to all people. One size doesn’t fit all, etc. Tagline Guru gets this and their site is packed with everything you ever wanted to know about taglines.

Let me back up in case you’re shaking your head wondering what the heck a tagline is.

A tagline — often referred to as a slogan – is a short, pithy phrase that sums up the very essence of who you are as a company. It usually hangs out under the company’s logo or name. For example, The Hired Pens. We Choose Your Words Carefully. Nike. Just Do It. Apple Computer. Think Different. Again, sorry Microsoft.

A tagline should not be confused with a mission statement.

You know those long, pompous mission statements that company presidents write themselves and then hang over the receptionist’s desk? (Quick aside #2: Company presidents who are reading this: Quit writing these yourself! If you have some extra time on your hands, go raise some money or something.)

So now the big question: How do you write a good one?

I don’t want to give away all my tricks, so I’ll give away some of Tagline Guru’s.

12 Elements of a Great Tagline, According to Tagline Guru

The best taglines are …

Original. Make it your own.

Believable. Keep it real.

Simple. Make it understandable.

Succinct. Get to the point.

Positive. Elevate their mood.

Specific. Make it relevant.

Unconventional. Break the mold.

Provocative. Make them think.

Conversational. Make it personable.

Persuasive. Sell the big idea.

Humorous. Tickle their funny bone.

Memorable. Make a lasting impression.

Curious to see the best in action?

Here is a link to the 100 most influential taglines since 1948. (Don’t leave home without it.)

Now how about the worst?

Maybe even more entertaining is Eric’s list of the worst taglines of all time. What makes a tagline terrible? He says: “Bad taglines are typically vague, awkward, pretentious, inane, underwhelming, confusing, complicated, negative, or ambiguous — and often communicate an unintended message.”

Case in point? I leave you with Jimmy Dean’s tagline: Eat Jimmy Dean. Really? That didn’t raise a red flag with anyone?

If you’re one of the thousands of loyal readers of this blog, you know we never cite irresistible dance/pop confections unless the topic is of the utmost importance. (Remember our post entitled “Pump Up the Jam,” about the challenges Smucker’s faced in marketing its smoked-ham preserves?)

Well, today we have good reason to dust off the title of C&C Music Factory’s 1991 smash. After making a withdrawal from our neighborhood Citizens Bank, the machine spit out a receipt. The message on back (to your left) gave me pause.

Was this a veiled threat? Something to keep me in line in case I was considering trashing the ATM kiosk?

Or was it a clever little statement designed to elicit a smile? Something to show the big, bad bank has a sly sense of humor?

The thing is, I have no idea. Neither do the three other people to whom I showed the cryptic message. And I guess that’s a sign of subpar copywriting. After all, if customers aren’t sure how to react (Suspicion? Fear? Laughter?), then the copywriter isn’t doing his job.

That’s my lesson for today.

Just because your email makes it into your client’s inbox doesn’t mean it’ll get opened. In fact, chances are it won’t.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Anna, I wrote a seriously amazing email with a seriously amazing offer I know they’ll want. There’s no way they’re going to delete it!”

Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but “Way.” Unfortunately, even if you can get past the powerful spam filters, there’s an even more powerful force at work: your client’s free will. Yes, I’m talking about the Delete key. Think about it: How many emails a day do you delete without reading? Exactly.

How can you make sure your email stands out? It all starts with the right subject line. As I wrote in my previous post about avoiding spam filters, the best subject lines clearly convey the subject of the email. They pique the reader’s interest, but are never cloyingly cute or salesy.

Here are three other tips brought to you by my business partner (and subject-line-writer extraordinaire), Dan O’Sullivan:

1) Get past the spam filters. Using certain words or symbols in the subject line can doom your email to Junk folder purgatory. To be safe, stay away from “free,” “cash” or “$$.” And definitely don’t use “sex” in your subject line. (Sex should only be used as a weapon.) You can read more about avoiding the spam filter here.

2) Figure out who your audience is. Write to just them. Your subject line must be relevant to your target audience or it will get deleted. Create separate emails if your audience is too broad. For example, a big retailer promoting a summer sale wouldn’t want to highlight discounts on bikinis and chainsaws in the same subject line. Craft one email for women who like swimwear and then another for the women who want a cheap chainsaw. Hey — I’m no sexist!

3) Stay focused. Identify your purpose for writing, whittle it down to its essence and leave it at that. Cap it at 55 characters, which is about six to eight words. (Just not words like Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.) 

Okay, but what exactly do you write?

Effective subject lines can take one of three primary directions. Here’s how to do them well.

1) Offers: If they can make it through the spam filter, offer subject lines are often the most effective because people are motivated by money. Highlighting an online coupon or discount is fine if done correctly. This means no exclamation marks or dollar signs. And be as specific as possible. For example, The Union Bluff Hotel would be better off writing “Union Bluff Two-for-One April Getaway” as a subject line rather than “Union Bluff Savings.” Or worse, an even more generic “Discounted rooms.”

2) Benefits: People want to know, “What’s in it for me?” Tell them in your subject line (without sounding like a cornball salesman).

3) Teasers: Pose an intriguing question or state an interesting fact that ties to your product or service (e.g. “Are green products really safer?”).

And whatever your product or service, we always preach the virtues of writing in a conversational tone. Your customers and prospects will appreciate it — and maybe even open your email.

I hate you, Cambria font. There, I said it.

How have I developed such malice for something as seemingly harmless as a typeface? Well, to start with, you’re not what they say you are.

Bad attitude, not displayed.

Your Wikipedia entry claims you were “specifically designed for on-screen reading and to be aesthetically pleasing when printed at small sizes.” Why, then, do I find you incredibly difficult to read? A few minutes of viewing you onscreen, and I’m lunging for the Advil.

Heresy? Perhaps to your legion of blind followers, who are constantly tossing bouquets at your tiny serifed feet. To them, you can do no wrong. And that has only given you an inflated view of yourself. As if you weren’t haughty enough to begin with.

Sure, you have the blueblood heritage that comes with being created by the fat cats at Microsoft. I bet you manage to slip that into dinner conversation, oh, four or five times a night.

And realize this, Cambria font: I’ve seen how you carry on with your Italian buddies. Palatino. Calibri. Bodoni. You sit there at the café, sipping your espressos, spooning your gelatos and hooting as the female fonts walk by. Remember the time you drove poor Lucida Sans to tears by calling her “pleasingly plump?” No lady font should be subjected to such abject rudeness.

Oh, yes, you’ve got quite the fan club, Cambria font. Of which I shall never be a member! When I open a document bearing your horrid presence, you know the first thing I do? “Select All” and then transform you into Times New Roman or another font that’s more agreeable. And more readable. And has less attitude.

You truly are a scourge upon the earth, Cambria font.

Now wipe that stupid smirk off your face.

Confession: I used to get paid to write SPAM. It was about 10 years ago, before we all knew that an email from “Your friend Sally” is probably not your friend Sally, but some dude in a Nairobi Internet café trying to scam you out of your hard-earned money. Or, as the case may be, a 26-year-old woman in a cubicle at a Boston company that is now out of business.

I know I’m not supposed to admit this, but I loved this job to distraction even though I hated myself at the end of every day. I was just so good at it — the emails I wrote always got huge response rates. I even heard from the sales team that one particular email moved a customer to tears. It was my “true life story” of meeting my granddaughter for the first time. (I was trying to sell a knitting magazine. I knew my demographic.)

In my defense, masquerading as “Your friend Sally” to get you to buy subscriptions to Needlepoint Now, Bird Talk or the other hundreds of magazines we peddled was a step up from my previous job: writing telemarketing scripts for a product called Brain Gum. (I promise I’ll write a blog about this job soon.)

Those days are gone. I now run a respectable company with my respectable business partner and have a stable of respectable clients.

And while I sometimes miss my life on the dark side, I know I got out just in time. If you know anything about email marketing, you know it’s a tough business these days — even when you’re selling a legit product or service. Why? We’re all just so savvy now. And we have really smart SPAM-filtering software that helps us if we’re not.

SPAM filters in most email software programs comb incoming emails for signs of SPAM and assign points when they see these red flags. The points get totaled; if there are enough of them, your email bypasses the recipient’s inbox and goes straight to the Junk folder.

How good is this software? A little too good: According to Mail Chimp, about 10%-20% of all emails you send – even to people who requested them — will get accidentally routed to the Junk/SPAM folder. What about that other 80-90%? It may not be spam, but it definitely broke some of these rules:

1.)   Spellcheck. Just like your high school English teacher, SPAM filters penalize messages for poor spelling and grammar. Poor formatting gets flagged, too.

2.) Use exclamation marks with caution — and never in the subject line! One is okay, but several? Wow, are you in trouble!!!!!!!! SAME GOES FOR ALL CAPS.

3.)    Avoid SPAM trigger words/phrases. According to Spam Assassin — a popular SPAM filter with the most awesome name ever — here are a few to avoid: “CLICK HERE!,” “FREE!,” “BUY NOW,” “WHY PAY MORE?,” “URGENT MATTER,” “MONEY BACK GUARANTEE” and interestingly, anything that looks like a mortgage pitch. You can see more here.

4.)    Don’t use colored or oversized font. “What do you mean, you didn’t get my email, Grammy?”

5.) Avoid salesy or non-specific subject lines. This is going to sound totally radical, but your subject line should — surprise! — actually tell the recipient what the subject of your email is. Try to be too clever, and you’ll get flagged.

6.)    Don’t use anything but words in the subject line. This means no quotation marks, toll-free numbers, dollar signs, percent signs or, as we have already learned, exclamation marks.

Finally, if you don’t want to be flagged as SPAM, then don’t send SPAM. Or at least don’t make it sound like spam. The above tips will help. Oh, wait — the old me is creeping back.