When you’re high-powered copywriters like us, people are endlessly fascinated by the details of your life: your illegitimate children, your favorite rehab facility, your stance on global health care. OK, no they’re not. But here’s something we do get asked a lot:

Dear Hired Pens,

Despite the fact that “writing” is not in my job description, I still do a fair amount of it. And I have to say: Staring at a blank computer screen is just so … I can’t think of the right word, but I hate it. Any advice?

–Concerned Business Person Who Hates Writing

Dear CBPWHW,

The word you’re searching for is “synergistic.” No, just kidding. That’s never the right word.

But yes, we do have advice. We also have compassion because even professional writers like us hate staring at blank screens. (Tip: Stare into space instead, and people will just think you’re pensive and deep.)

Or, just follow these three steps. You’ll save time and energy – and prevent your contact lenses from drying out due to all that staring.

Step One: Just relax.
Yeah, we know, your deadline is looming – you had to get it done yesterday! (Let’s all make a pact to stop saying that, OK?) But do you really think you’re going to do your best work when you’re a stress monkey? So stop panicking. How? Stop thinking about the end result. Don’t get ahead of yourself because all you need to do right now is …

Step Two: Tell it like it is.
Let’s say you’re writing a sales letter to introduce your biggest client to your company’s cool new product. Pretty daunting, huh? Yeah, if you think of it like that. Instead, imagine you’re having a low-key conversation with a friend and she asks you about the same product. What do you say? Good – write that down. That’s your starting point.

Step Three: Now work it, baby.
Except for maybe Kerouac, nobody just sat down and wrote anything that was worth reading in one try. Nearly all good writing, from business proposals to novels, starts with an outline and takes at least a few drafts. Even old Jack probably could have done with a few rounds of revisions himself.

If you’re still stuck despite these three steps, give The Hired Pens a call. How’s that for a shameless self-promotion? Sorry, we had to include it. It was in our outline.

“Let’s start a blog,” exclaimed my partner Anna one day last year.

“Great idea,” I said. “But I already do all the bookkeeping for the business, so the blog will be your baby, OK?”

http://www.flickr.com/photos/palmtree/ / CC BY-NC 2.0

“Word,” replied Anna, in a weak attempt to bring some urban grit to her vocabulary.

A few months later, Anna learned she’d be having a baby of her own. In August, she had that baby and began her well-earned maternity leave.

So now I’m feeling like the parent of a kid who begged for a dog and then got stuck with said dog when the kid left for college three years later. I didn’t really want this blog, but now I’m responsible for its care and well-being.

I’ve been pretty good about my blog duties. It’s largely out of pride. After all, there’s nothing worse than checking out a blog only to learn it was last updated during the first Bush administration. Seriously, at some point, you’re doing more harm than good by keeping a blog like that on life support.

True story: I recently visited the site of a prospective client. The News page had a total of five entries. The first four were posted in August 2002. The last one went up in February 2003. That’s almost SEVEN YEARS without an update, man! Time to take down that page.

Which brings me back to blogs. If you’re going to take that leap and start a corporate blog, make sure you have the resources to devote to the task. It has to be someone with the time and writing chops to produce good stuff on a frequent basis. Or, someone who can corral submissions from various contributors throughout the company (no easy task).

As for me, I’m aiming for one new post each week. That way, Lightning & the Lightning Bug can at least maintain respectability until its mom comes back in January.

I finished up a project with a new client a couple months ago. I was excited when we landed the gig. Relatively big name, seemed like a fun brand. As it turns out, there would be nothing fun about this client.

I’ll skip the details on what went wrong and why. Let’s just say they won’t be getting a holiday card from me this year.

As that project was wrapping up, a new client came along. Not so big a name, but I was dealing with sane, thoughtful people who understood how to give direction. The project went smoothly for the client and us.

Once project #2 closed, it struck me: Client relationships are often like romantic relationships.

Bad Client was like the Psycho Girlfriend. They had a big name (i.e. good looks), and so we were drawn to them. But who knew that beneath this attractive appearance lurked such evil tendencies.

And yet, that big name is what kept us sticking around for too long. “You want to completely rework this page, even though we’ve already submitted four drafts? No problem!” “You’ve decided to cancel the meeting even though I drove all the way up to your office? I’ll catch you next time instead!”

After a couple months with Bad Client, my confidence was shot and I felt bad about myself. Just like when I was with Psycho Girlfriend back in college.

Then came Good Client, or the Nice Girlfriend. They didn’t have as big of a name (i.e. slightly less attractive), but they had such a good personality. They were accessible and generous with their time … gave excellent and timely feedback … never backtracked on previous directives.

As the Good Client project cruised along, I got my confidence back. I started to enjoy my work again. Clearly, I was in love (platonically speaking, of course).

So let me take this opportunity to thank Good Client. When you work in our field, it’s not all about the money. It’s about the relationships too. And I think I’m ready for a long-term relationship with you, Good Client.

Will you marry me?