For you Anna Goldsmith fans out there, I’m pleased to announce some good news: She gave birth to a boy Saturday, Aug. 29. Leo Coolidge Stern weighed in at 8 lbs., 14 oz. Everyone is happy and healthy. Congrats to Anna and husband Jeff.

Infomercials are an endless source of entertainment. And last month, I thought I’d found the be-all-end-all with Comfort Wipe. Well, sorry Comfort Wipe, even with your extra-long reach you can’t touch the infomercial for Doc Bottoms Aspray, the new “all over” body spray created by the enthusiastic (i.e. insane) Adam Jay Geisinger.

How good (i.e. horrifyingly entertaining) is it? Remy Stern, author of “But Wait … There’s More!,” a history of infomercials, told The Washington Post, “I’d put it right up there near the top of the all-time most ridiculous ads.”

The ad was quickly pulled from MSNBC’s graveyard slot (2 a.m. to 5 a.m.), but if that discouraged Geisinger, it wasn’t for long. He responded by posting his spot on YouTube. According to The Boston Globe, it got a quarter million hits in just a few weeks.

If you haven’t already seen it, like I said with Comfort Wipe, stop whatever you are doing and watch it now. I particularly enjoyed (and was repulsed by) the compelling real-life testimonials. For example: “I work hard, I sweat a lot, I got odors in special places, and with Aspray I don’t have to worry about that anymore.” Now put down the potato chips and go get your phone.

Dear Rosemary,

Or should I call you Mrs. Rogers? After all, we’ve never met.

Regardless, I was saddened to hear you are dying of cancer. If that is, in fact, the case. You actually wrote that you were dying for cancer, but I can’t believe that is true. A woman of your “statute” with so much to live for?! Instead, I will assume that was a typo and in your weakened state you did not have time to reread … or spell check … your email. But never mind. Clearly, we have more important matters to discuss!

I am thrilled, and a bit surprised, that you have chosen me, out of all the possible worthy people and causes, to bequeath your entire estate of “Two million four hundred thousand US Dollars” upon your “dealth.”  With much gratitude, I accept!

You mentioned my humanitarian work as being the deciding factor. Well, Mrs. Rogers — Rosemary — it feels good to finally be recognized for all my work. It was very generous of me to give my friend Alexis $50 for Walk for Hunger last fall. I never actually wrote the check, but these are mere details! What matters is my heart was in the right place, and you saw that!

I am also truly moved to finally have someone – anyone – who understands my point of view regarding the “incident” with the Junior Writers’ program. It certainly wasn’t my fault what happened, and I absolutely should have been asked back. After all, if you are going to write short stories to deal with your tween-age emotions, you damn well better have a firm grasp of story structure or you are just wasting my time. You are truly a kindred spirit, Rosemary.

I will contact BARRISTER MORRIS VAN COOPER (Barr. Morris Van Cooper) through his personal email immediately and include my social security number and most bank account statement.

God bless you, too.

Sincerely,

From Anna Goldsmith.