As I recently skimmed Parade magazine (learning about “the world’s top 10 worst dictators”), the headline immediately caught my eye: “Amish mantle and miracle invention help home heat bills hit rock bottom.”

Of the several dozen items I find fascinating, the Amish and miracle inventions are near the top of the list. Now, here was an advertisement that featured both. I had to read on …

“Save money; only uses about 8 cents an hour; so turn down your thermostat and never be cold again.” Well, that was kind of an incoherent sentence. But still, this was great stuff.

According to the ad, Amish craftsmen have been working feverishly to meet nationwide demand for the HEAT SURGE Roll-n-Glow® fireplace. By rolling this flaming monstrosity from room to room, “you can turn down your thermostat and take the heat with you everywhere.”

I cut out this ad and have saved it in my desk drawer for the last few weeks. When I’m feeling bored, I take a moment to review it once again. Each time, new questions arise, such as:

• I knew the Amish crafted great furniture. When did they decide to expand into home heating?
• Wait a minute, the Amish eschew modern conveniences such as electricity. What do they know about constructing electrical heating devices?
• Did HEAT SURGE hire someone from The Onion to create these ads using an extra-heavy dose of Photoshop?
• Can’t the Amish dress down a bit when they’re engaged in hard labor?
• How much will this wondrous product set me back?

Oh wait, the ad says just $298. But you have order in the next 48 hours. Act now!

In our recent Hired Pens commercial, “Graham R.” takes us on a trip to his neighborhood Chicken Shack to explain the problems that can arise from the misuse of quotation marks. The commercial got a big response, including some funny real-life examples. None was better than this card a friend of ours received: 

Dear “Awesome Children”….

Thank you so very much for not only the beautiful Floral Arrangement, but also for the element of “Surprise” …. You are GREAT …..

Sending you my “Unconditional Love Always”

Mom

Clearly, this card left my friend with several disconcerting questions to ponder:

•        Was her mother actually surprised or just faking it?
•        Did Mom really think her children were awesome?
•        And, most importantly, was she being sarcastic when she offered her unconditional love?

Of course, moms can get away with this kind of thing. Especially moms who send such “thoughtful” cards. But you know who can’t get away with it? Everyone else. So in case you missed the commercial, here’s a quick reminder:

If you put something in quotation marks when you aren’t actually quoting someone, you’re negating that statement with imaginary sarcastic air quotes. “Yeah, I am ‘really excited’ to pay my taxes this year.” “No, really! I ‘can’t wait’ to babysit for your sister’s colicky infant during my one week off this year.”

And if you are a client and you still want to put words in quotation marks – even after we’ve patiently explained, then begged and pleaded with you to do the right thing – we’ll do it … as long as you don’t mind being “gently” chided on our blog. Case in point:

Me: Why is this in quotes?

Client: I like quotes.

Me, explaining gently: But having it in quotes means it’s something someone said.

Client: But I like quotes.

Me, trying not to sigh too deeply: I know, but it’s going to confuse your clients.

Client: But I like quotes. They make it pop. Otherwise it gets lost.

Me, trying a new angle: What if we used it as a subhead in bold face?

Client: I don’t know …

Me: Why don’t you let me try it and then you can decide?

Client, reluctantly: Okay …

The client ultimately called the designer and had him change it back to quotation marks. Which is “fine with me.”*

* In case you’re still unclear, by using quotation marks I mean to imply I am still mad about it.

Most word nuts know Merriam-Webster named “bailout” its 2008 Word of the Year (for obvious reasons). I’ve got a leading contender for this year’s honor: transparency.

When I was growing up, I associated transparency with ghosts — usually the friendly kind. After I gave up cartoons, I learned a more negative connotation for the word. As the American Heritage Dictionary puts it, “easily seen through or detected; obvious: transparent lies.”

That’s the definition that usually popped to mind when transparency came up. Richard Nixon desperately covering up his misdeeds circa 1974; now that was a transparent act. The same went for celebrities getting caught with hookers and/or cheating on their wives. Their excuses always seemed so transparent. And that was a bad thing.

I’m convinced Barack Obama is out to change people’s (or at least my) perception of transparency. Google “Obama+transparency” and see for yourself. There are nearly 5.7 million search results as of this writing, and he’s not even four weeks into his presidency.

A White House memorandum titled “Transparency and Open Government” promises his administration will “establish a system of transparency” and that “transparency promotes accountability.” The Obama administration pledges more “transparency” in the government bailout (there’s that word again) plan for banks. A spokeswoman says the Obama office’s weekly YouTube address is “just one of many ways that he will … make the White House and the political process more transparent.”

Now, transparency as Obama defines it is a worthy goal. But does a prerecorded video posted on the Internet really qualify as a transparent act, free from the taint of political spin? Um … not really. All I’m saying is this, President Obama: If you’re going to beat this word into the ground over the next four to eight years, at least make sure you use it right. After all, you wouldn’t want to be accused of spreading transparent lies.

An interesting topic popped up at a recent dinner party I attended: What was your worst job ever?

While my summer as a waitress didn’t beat dodging bricks at the city works department, “refereeing” parents at children’s soccer games, or suffering repeated burns from an industrial-sized dishwasher, nothing has been more valuable. No, not for those cheesy reasons, like learning the value of hard work. I’m talking about serious, relevant skills that I use every day to run my own business.

For example, waitressing taught me …

Time management skills that rival an air traffic controller’s

Table one needs ketchup. Table two’s dinner is ready for pickup. Table three needs (another!) coffee refill. Table four … well, you get the idea. Being a waitress forced me to learn to juggle multiple deadline-driven “projects” with grace. So now when a client says, “I needed it yesterday,” I feel a wave of nostalgia and try to remember not to ask if they want a side of fries with that. 

How to deal with crazy people, I mean, different personality types

From the customers to the cooks, nothing teaches you to deal with difficult people quite like working the lunch shift at a busy seafood restaurant …

• The rowdy executives whose behavior would have gotten them thrown out of a strip club taught me how to stand up for myself.

• The seven-month-pregnant chain-smoking hostess taught me that sometimes the best way to express your opinion is by saying nothing.

• The middle-aged “lifers” taught me that sometimes when people don’t like you, it says more about them than you. The rest of the time, you were probably being a jerk.   

• The actively alcoholic cook who once threw an entire box of creamers at me taught me there are, in fact, stupid questions.

Knowing whose opinion really matters

Gary the bartender had fake blue contact lenses and a perpetually red face from screaming so much. He yelled at the waitresses (never the waiters, or at least not the cute ones), at the hostess, even at the customers.

Now I come from a typical New England family. We don’t express, we repress. So having someone yell at me is both foreign and terrifying. I avoided Gary as best I could, but one day I got caught in his fire. I probably said something like, “Too bad it’s raining.” His response: “IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, WHY DON’T YOU JUST LEAVE!!!” So on the verge of tears, that’s exactly what I did. I quietly took off my broth-stained apron, climbed on my bicycle and started peddling home.

When I got about halfway there, it hit me: “Gary’s not my boss! He can’t fire me!” In fact, the boss was an old guy named Patchy who liked me a lot. So I peddled back, found my apron and got back to work. Gary never said anything. In fact, like most hotheaded people, he probably forgot the incident as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

These days, no one shouts at me. But when I get pushback, I do try to remember exactly who is signing my check. So remember: If you’re struggling in your current job — or searching for the perfect candidate for a new position — your answer to both may be waiting at your local Friendly’s.

I’ve recently become obsessed with the TED talks. And if you don’t know what TED is, you’re in for a treat. Like the most delicious treat, ever.

These 20-minute “genius lectures” (TED stands for “Technology, Entertainment, Design”) take place at the invitation-only annual TED conference and are rebroadcast online at TED.com. To date, there are 370 speeches with a new one added each weekday. The conference draws the most brilliant minds in the world, from fashion designers to brain scientists. With no time for a warmup, each talk is equally fascinating and furiously explosive.

I’ve started watching these talks while I eat lunch. Today I chose the artist/writer Maira Kalman to accompany my tarragon chicken sandwich. Now, I have been a fan of Kalman for a long time and have loved everything she’s ever done, from her whimsical children’s books (which I bought and love even though I have no children) to her New Yorker covers, in particular the one that renames boroughs of New York with such names as “Youdontunderstandistan,” “Kvetchnya” and “Botoxia.” 

So it was with sheer joy that I learned Kalman recently illustrated E.B. White’s famous slim tome, The Elements of Style. My guess is she felt a certain kinship with White for his own playful use of language to illustrate his points and took it upon herself to literally illustrate them. It’s hard to pick a favorite, but “Polly loves cake more than she loves me” is right up there, as is “Be wild of tongue in a way we can understand.”

You can see more of them on her website and even watch a short film she made about it. Ah, Maira. We’ll wax poetic about White’s fine appreciation for grammar another day.  

And if you’re curious to learn more about the TED talks, check out “Confessions of a TED Addict.“ I think the writer was a little harsh on Tony Robbins, whose talk I really liked. But I did agree with the rave review of My Stroke of Insight author and brain scientist, Jill Bolte Taylor, who studied her own stroke as it happened. 

So, which one should I watch with lunch tomorrow?

I’ll begin by saying that I am not a big sports fan. Or even a small sports fan. But I do genuinely look forward to the Super Bowl for two reasons: 1) Hot spinach dip, and 2) seeing the best ads of the year — or at least the most expensive.

Well, this year there was no spinach dip for reasons not worth explaining, so let’s get right to the ads.

To borrow from the lexicon of sports, what’s up with everyone playing it safe? Guys getting hit in the … you know. Women whose clothes mysteriously fly off.

What’s going on? Did the best creative minds in advertising flat line? That’s doubtful, but they’ll no doubt be blamed. Here’s what I think happened: When the economy goes bad, advertisers fall back on “sure bets” — slapstick and semi-naked women.

If you’re curious, Slate.com has a great recap of the big-spend ads here. I was pleased that the writer, Scott Stevenson, has the same question I did about the Budweiser ads: If the narrator of the story is really a third-generation immigrant Clydesdale, why does he still have a thick Scottish accent? Check out his lack of assimilation here.

Were there any standouts? Sure. I counted five:

1. E-Trade: Okay, I have to deduct some points for originality, since we have seen this E-Trade baby before. But the addition of the second baby singing Mr. Mister’s “Broken Wings” wins them all back. Watch.
2. Cash4Gold: Was it funny or sad to see Ed McMahon and M.C. Hammer, both known for making and subsequently losing millions, show us the gold they planned to pawn for cash? I couldn’t decide. Then Ed held up his gold hip replacement, and I had my answer. Watch.      
3. Cheetos: Cheetos and Hitchcock don’t usually go together. Except when they do. Here, we watch pigeons attack a woman who is rudely blabbering on her cell phone. I enjoyed this immensely. Watch.
4. Hulu: If you’ve ever watched 30 Rock – maybe even on Hulu.com – you know the brilliance that is Alec Baldwin, “TV star” (his quotes, not mine). Here, he challenges the popular notion that TV rots your brain, insisting it only “softens the brain, like a ripe banana.” Watch. 
5. CareerBuilder: The CareerBuilder “It may be time to find a new job” ad had some great moments, especially the “Hey Dummy” greeting. My only complaint was that it went on too long. Once your audience gets it, it’s time to get out. Watch.

Did I leave anything out? Share what you liked — or hated. And in closing, I leave you with one of the most famous and truly groundbreaking Super Bowl ads of all time.